Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
