i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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