he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
