hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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