Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
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He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
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So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively