I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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