I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
