I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
