I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
