I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
