saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
the day after is always just damage control
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
