There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
