I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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