Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Randomize
