I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
