I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize