Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
