I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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