Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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