You were right. It hurts to walk today.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
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