I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
