I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
