I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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