I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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