i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
