How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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