hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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