A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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