I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
ttyl tear gas
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
