I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
