if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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