I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize