Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize