Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
