girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
