woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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