Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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