Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
