my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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