i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
