Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
