It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
