my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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