I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
