I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
