in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
