Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
