a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
