You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
