tonight lets celebrate not being married
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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