I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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