Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
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