We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
