Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
