I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
