Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
