My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
