Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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