here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
