there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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