You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
