One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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