I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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